I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.