jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You Might Also Like
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
stand with me against insufficient seating
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Hero horse inspires millions
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering