I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m sorry…what?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!