[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
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Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Happy Febuary everyone!
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.