I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
my one true gender
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
.
.
.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?