[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
why I oughta
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
How animals would run if they were human
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I painted a hot chick with big jugs