Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
no refunds
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…