Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
doing your own taxes
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are