my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Breaking news:
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
How funny!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.