one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
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[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Never be a pizza!
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
In Canada they just call them geese
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.