Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Life is a suicide mission.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”