You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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This could be us but you eatin’
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Smells like a challenge to me
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink