-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
twitter is a journey
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.