I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.