Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last