Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
But wait…
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry