What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
You Might Also Like
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!