You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.