The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”