Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.