Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
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Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way