Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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The Friday File.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.