I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.