Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
They did not think through this water fountain
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Any refunds available?…
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.