Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*launders Kohls cash*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Had an epiphany today.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.