One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Squirrels before girls.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad