Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
So many pants.
So little yoga.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Don’t snitch tag.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon