me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
You Might Also Like
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Worth a try
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers