The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Thursday Thought.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.