What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Y’all know who you are.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.