My brain is a bad influence on me
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids