Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Choose your fighter
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.