one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
This hospital has everything
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins