Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Herpes is trending, good job people
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.