How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any