Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do