Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created