A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )