Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
All is fair in drunk and war.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
this is what they would have looked like, though
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!