If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Finally, an explanation.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.