Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
😩😩😩
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad