[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F