them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
They’re on their honeymoon
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Safety first
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN