Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.