Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
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“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
philosophical skeletons be like
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning