I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
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Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Well, this is awkward
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.