You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Breaking news:
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.