Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
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Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
secret recipe
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.