My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
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“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE