Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers